Anyone not familiar with the Facebook phenomenon won't understand this post so let me try to explain. Facebook is a social networking site on the Internet where people can contact and share their lives with friends, relatives and acquaintances. Although there are differing opinions, I feel it has a lot of value in todays society. The busier we become and the more physical distance we put between ourselves, the harder it is to keep connected with people we'd like to have in our lives. It can be a great tool to keep in touch with relatives that aren't close by. High School, college and work contacts abound. I pretty much mainline Facebook.

    There is a "Profile Status" which can be updated as often as you wish and all of your friends on your list can read it. I change mine  a few times a week. I recently updated my status and a friend of mine commented that my house is a "total comedy skit." I was thinking of being offended, but then decided to take an honest look at my updates.

MY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES (In no particular order)

1)     I'm convinced I'd have an easier time starting a fire in the woodstove if it was moved into the kitchen.....

2)     Rob and Chelsea's dog, Diesel just arrived. We are watching him for a few days. I now have FOUR Boston Terriers running circles around the house...I am seeing black and white and black and white and black and white and bla.....you get the idea!

3)     My daughter is all upset that she got a bit part in the school play...I'm not sure how that happened because the DRAMA QUEEN has been honing her skills all afternoon...I need a drink...

4)     I've come to the conclusion that it's not me! The kitchen smoke alarm just needs to be moved. To the backyard maybe?

5)     My 8 yr old daughter has determined her life is unbearable-she says there's no  food in the house, there's no one to play with, her life is miserable and she has no good toys. She's better be getting sick cause if she's not, I plan on sending her to Haiti for a reality check.

6)     Just read that frowning burns more calories than smiling... at least it's a good excuse for the extra weight *sigh*

7)     Had to call the Coon Man once again today because a raccoon infiltrated our new roof- (you know, the one we just had put on to keep the them out). Adding insult to injury, it's raining, and because of the raccoon hole and the rain, the ceiling is leaking. Badly. Just another day in paradise....

8)     Easter baking. Braided Spinach Artichoke Recipe says "make 3 inch slices down each side about 1.5 inches apart. Do not cut through center area" Huh? No indication of how many strips and how do you do that? Called mom. Took her 15 minutes to explain- Seems it's more of a FRENCH braid and I had Pippi Longstocking stuck in my head! Got it now!

9)     So I pointed out to the hubby (proudly I might add) that I started a fire in the woodstove all by myself. He said, "What did ya do, throw in a hamburger?" My culinary reputation precedes me......

10)     My daughter and her cousin Erin are pretending to be princesses that belch. Pretending the princess part apparently, because the belching part is quite real.

11)     I think the whole damned world has gone crazy- I just saw a commercial for "Booty Pop' underwear. They are padded butt lifters/enhancers. I think they look ridiculous. What is up with that? Are there that many of us out there that need our asses to look BIGGER? A bra named Booby Pop on the other hand.....

12)     "Warning evacuate, smoke in kitchen, evacuate!" Danger Will Robinson, danger! Jeeez! All I did was try to cook it fast! (sigh)

13)     The camper was brought home today! I love it, that is, until I remember that this means there is yet another bathroom for me to clean....

14)     I tried on a hat and asked Marisa how it looked. She said- "Mom! It looks very good, if you were in the back yard and if no one was here to visit and if it was kinda dark. Actually mom, you never look good in hats." Jeez, I went through labor for this?

15)     Ok- have to suck it up on this one- 3 days ago I bought Marisa two hermit crabs. Steve said that he would give it three days before they are dead or missing. Well, watch where you step boys and girls, we have an escapee......and noooo, that's nothing at all like saying "Honey, you were right."

16)     The kids are off most of next week for school. My daughter was allowed to bring home her recorder for the break. Who comes up with this stuff? What did I ever do to the music teacher? Why does she hate me?

17)     This evening my daughter showed me how to play "Ode to Joy" on her recorder using her left nostril. She was quite proud. I'm not good enough to make this stuff up....really.

18)     Ok, I'm really, really, really, glad this rain isn't all snow. Now that I've been thankful, here comes the bitch- I had to pick up 60 or so cases of Girl Scout cookies in this freakin monsoon eight hours ago and I still feel soggy...Thank you for that moment. Now let us return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

19)     There are like 400 boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in my cupboard and I have not eaten one of them! I am so proud! My secret? Every time I want one, I just eat a slice of Panera three cheese bread (toasted, with butter) instead. It really staves off the Thin Mint cravings.

20)     OK so I got an early Happy Birthday letter from AARP. Nuff said.

21)     Went to the gym today with water in my water bottle, not black coffee....thinking I should get kudos from my nutritionist sister-in-law. I'll be right here waiting Kerry.

22)     Just entertained my son my by singing the 40 year old Partridge Family favorite "I Think I Love You" in its entirety along with a few choice dance moves. I'm not sure how impressed he is, but hell, I was!

23)     So, how come the body keeps getting older, but inside my head I'm still 20? Somehow or another, that just can't be right....

24)     I was watching my little puppy run and jump around in the snow like he was having the time of his life. Then it dawned on me that we had 14" of snow and his legs are less than 8" long. Poor Bandit! Probably hopping all around cause he was freezing his little thing off! HAHAHAHA!

25)     My daughter did something self centered and rude- so I turned and said "What, you think you're the only person on the planet?" and she said "Duh, no...who would pay the bills?"

26)     Well, my daughter and two friends are using the karoake machine. My husband (who tucked that little ditty into Santa's bag) is conveniently at work....I wish I knew how to pull an engine...It would be worth it to trade places.

Ok guys, is my life funny or downright pathetic!  Cast your votes and have a great day!

Peace- Holly

The “Big Five O”.  Oh yes, I remember a time when the only “O” I was concerned about had nothing to do with age. Oh well, life rolls on…
 
It could be worse. Look, I’m hardly in the minority.  I’m growing older with an aging America, so fifty is a pretty popular number these days. I’ve heard fifty is the new forty and forty is the new thirty. I have a few friends that go so far as to say that fifty is the new thirty.  Now there’s an idea that terrifies me- If I was thirty, I’d be looking at giving birth two more times and….I don’t THINK so! 

Really, fifty being fifty works for me.  I mean, lots great things have fifty in them like:

Fifty First Dates
The Fifty United States
Fifty Cent (the rapper)
Fifty cent  (the coin).
Fiftieth Anniversary 
Hawaii 5-0
Fifty Places to Fly Fish Before You Die
and
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

Another plus is that now that I have hit that “Half Century” mark, I feel I’m old enough to do what has been done to me for years by my elders: infiltrate everyone else’s personal space and impart some of the useless knowledge and observations I have acquired over my vast number of years like:  

1) When I was born in 1960, a house cost less than $13,000 dollars.  Sounds great, but the average income was only $5,400 a year.  That sounds horrible compared to today’s average which is $51,000 per year…but WAIT!  A house in 2010 will set you back an average of 209,000. The upshot is, that in 1960 housing costs were roughly two times the average salary.  Today, it is four times the average salary.  Is it any wonder that we can’t get our kids to move out?  They really can’t afford it!

2) Money doesn’t go too far these days. Check it out- this site is part of the US Dept of Labor site- http://www.bls.gov/data/inflation_calculator.htm It will figure out any amount for you.  I learned that 100 dollars in 1960 has the same buying power as $732.23 in 2010.  That is AMAZING! Ok maybe not amazing, but I have always been easily amused.

3) One of my favorite quotes:  Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Samuel Ullman 
 I can only I hope my insides look less wrinkly than my outsides.

4) I am thrilled for every day I’m given. I wake and take stock in what I have.  Family, friends, health, a roof over my head and a fun car to drive head up the list. I know that every day  is an opportunity to do something right.  Not everything surely.  Maybe I can make someone laugh, or help a lady even older than me cross the street.

5) I believe scales are tools of the devil. Weighing myself is only done first thing in the morning, after using the bathroom, brushing my teeth to remove the fuzzies (look they have to weigh something!), clipping my finger and toenails, shaving my legs  and stripping stark naked. Oh, ear wax….remove the ear wax first.

6) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Oh goody, like I really need my nose to keep growing. 

7) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. Something else that is inexplicable?  There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable vitamins. That has certainly got to be wrong.

8) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now, that last one, number 8, I know there are a lot of women out there thinking “And the problem with that is what? Maybe if I had a non-mucousy day here and there….(sigh)”  Oh yeah, I hear that!  One of the cruelest things about getting older is how we get betrayed by our bodies, especially if we have beat the hell out of ourselves by birthing a kid or five. At this stage of the game, I can’t even walk past the bakery without gaining a pound. 

I will leave you with one last thought :

Anytime I’m struggling with what to do next, in the midst of a whole load of crap, I remember that butterflies taste with their feet.  That usually gets me to think real carefully about where I step next. 

 Have a great day- Holly

I've been asked by a number of people to post "Nadya" which is my short story that won second place in the international contest held by Biscuit Publishing. In Sept 2009 it was printed in their anthology called "The Possibility of Bears."   For those of you interested, here it is. Hope you enjoy- Peace- Holly

Nadya
By Holly Patrone

It was early. The first blades of grass emerged, small and thin, straining to greet warmer weather. They bent with brilliant droplets of dew. It was still cool enough for a sweater, so ...

     Many years ago, when I was young, I used to visit my aunt and uncle at their  Queens house. Although we lived only about thirty miles apart, every time I arrived there it felt like landing on another planet. It was noisy. There were a lot of cars. Everyone lived close together and talked back and forth from their front porches. You could see Wetson’s from their corner. (yes, that really is how far back this story goes.) 
     My Uncle Sam was a hulk of a man, very straight and narrow in direct contrast ...

Ha!  That title almost sounds like an action/adventure story replete with swords and a wizard or two...but it isn't   Read on!

    Some of my fondest childhood memories are of my grandparents taking me on day trips. We went to places like Patricia Murphy’s, Sterling Forest, Coney Island and the Catskill Game Farm. Of course, there were no portable DVD players or Nintendo DS systems, so I had to amuse myself in the car somehow. Sometimes I would hone my ...

We all feel our kids and families are special, even if it’s in a  little yellow bus sort of way. The stories are our own, unique. They get told and retold at family functions and when new girlfriends arrive on the scene. Personally, I feel I’ve been blessed with kids that are overachievers in the “special” arena. I figured I would share a few memories with you. I always want you guys reading this to participate, so feel free to add a story or two in the comments. I’m sure they are just as “special” as mine.

Holly Patrone is named A Semi-Finalist In HumorPress.com's "America's Funniest Humor!" Writing Contest
 
Holly Patrone, a writer from Long Island, NY was named a Semi-Finalist for two pieces in the most recent "America's Funniest Humor!" Writing Contest held by HumorPress.com.
 
For her accomplishment, Patrone has earned publication in HumorPress.com's online humor showcase. The entry, "A Walk on the Wild Side" is a mother/daughter study focused on a body piercing (or two) and "The Olden Days", is a frank conversation with a seven year old.

"A Walk on the ...

 Revision/addition  to this post November 19, 2009-

BECOME A LIFESAVER!

BONE MARROW DONOR DRIVE

I haven’t made and update to the website in quite some time.  It has been an insane summer.  I apologize as a number of people have emailed me wondering when I’m going to get my butt in gear- and my best answer is “I’m working on it!” On the flip side of that, maybe you guys can help me.  I’m working on a story- can you read it and let me know what you think so far? 

It is meant to be a young adult fantasy story….not finished….let me know if you get through it and whether you think ...<< MORE >>

I was at moms house the other day when my brother who lives in Maryland called. She did the usual greeting and then said, "Eddie...your sister has something exciting to tell you!" She turned and stuffed the phone in my hand.

"Hey Ed."

"Heya Hols.  Don't tell me you're pregnant again."

"Jeez  Eddie, don't even throw that idea out into the universe! You know that's how I wound up with so many kids right?"

He laughed. I'm not sure why, because it is true.  Anyway... I told him that I received notification earlier in the week that I won second prize in the Biscuit International Short Story Competition. Biscuit Publishing is located in England. They are a small publishing house that publishes a small number of books as well as anthologies of the winning and shortlisted entries. Although I knew my story "Nadya" had been shortlisted, I didn't know that it had placed- In fact I was convinced it hadn't because I thought I was going to hear from them sooner.

So check this out! There were 406 entries.  My story came in second. They have asked for a pic and a short bio to put on the site so those will go up soon, but they aren't posted yet. I won a little money and the story will be published in the anthology in the fall. 

The short story judge says the following:

Nadya takes Second Prize.
The words and phrases have depth and the subject matter is strong. There is poignancy, but the writer avoids over-sentimentalism. Pacing is well controlled. The story unfolds scene by scene, transporting the reader through painted and charcoaled landscapes. The author manages the development and controls the progress with calm precision and great skill.

http://www.biscuitpublishing.com/comp/2009short.html if you would like to check out the link.

So I am very excited.  and (whew) not pregnant